Rob Zombie's Halloween II Unrated Director's Cut DVD Review

Oh, Rob Zombie. I have followed you blindly through the days of White Zombie, on through your solo work, looked forward to your first film, loved your second, and kind of dug the third. When it came to the music, well, your second solo effort was where it ended for me. Oddly enough, where I completely pulled the headphone plug out for you was upon your sequel to your first solo album. Now upon seeing the Halloween II Unrated Director's Cut DVD, I am puling the plug on any future anticipation of your films. Oh, how sequels wound you.

But wait, isn't this the same man that gave us The Devil's Rejects, a far better film than the predecessor it was directly connected to? Yeah, but this time around it looks as if Rob went back to his music video directing days and forgot about character development, story, plot, and entertaining the audience. How could a film that is so violent, gritty, and uncomfortable to watch wind up being so boring? For a horror fan that seems almost impossible to imagine.

Win A Magnolia District 13: Ultimatum DVD Prize Pack

District 13: Ultimatum from Magnet Releasing premieres on VOD, Amazon and Xbox Live on Jan. 1st and in theatres Feb. 5th, but why not try to get your hands on the first film now? How about for free? Magnet loves you guys, like, a lot, so they are letting us give away one prize pack with three kick ass action films. You won't have to do anything crazy for them, like jump from building to building while screaming out how much you love Entertaining Evil. You won't have to get a tattoo of a dragon on your ass, while allowing yourself to be punched in the face. In fact, you won't even have to leave your seat to win this set of three films.

First off, you get the original District B13, in all of its awesome Parkour glory. On top of that, you get the slick and fast paced Chocolate, the martial arts one, not the boring romantic one. You also get Dynamite Warrior, which is an insane Muay Thai film that flirts with action/adventure stylization as well as some nods to the wild west. If you like fights, martial arts, action, and people doing insane stunts then these all have something for you.

To win them, all you have to do is leave a comment on this page about your earliest or most fond memories watching martial arts or kung fu films. Do so by midnight on Jan. 2, 2010. The funniest, most original, entertaining, or just most awesome one will be the victor. How crazy is that? Next year? Sheesh, where does the time go. My favorite will be chosen and notified and gifted with these awesome action DVDs.

Aliens Vs. Predator: Hunter Edition Announced For US

What is SEGA trying to do to me? Do I even want this game, really? I don't know. I've been burned by both franchises in games before, but they did put out a couple of good AVP games before the movies came out. Now they are throwing in a bunch of goodies as special bonuses for paying extra to get the collectors editions and they made me want to spend the damn money. Once you throw in a face-hugger I want it.

Who knows how much this damn thing is going to wind up costing, but the fact that it comes with a baby alien means it will be worth whatever price they put on it. Here is the full rundown of what comes in the package, courtesy of the SEGA blog:

Hunter Edition confirmed for US consumers! There, I can finally say it; the Hunter Edition which was announced fairly recently from our European friends is now 100% confirmed in the US with an added bonus – a hardcover graphic novel from Dark Horse Comics featuring the original Aliens vs Predator comic! Don’t worry, all the other goodies are still included, such as the four Multiplayer maps (before they release to the general public), a fully articulated and disturbingly creepy Facehugger model, Weyland Yutani sleeve badge, and a 3D lenticular postcard. To sweeten the deal, if you pre-order you can pick up some exclusive skins for all three species in multiplayer.

Yeah, I want this one bad. Check out a larger image of the packaging below the jump.

Holiday Hoarder Gift Guide 2009

Oh, the season of good tidings is upon us, earlier and earlier every year. Black Friday's significance always outweighs the actual holidays, as folks toy with the idea of getting gifts for a bunch of people that probably don't deserve it. Still, you sometimes can't help but want to show your appreciation for friends and family, and maybe even that annoying co-worker that refuses to cut the damn small talk in the mornings, if only to shut them the hell up.

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, or just give gifts in the hope of getting something good back, I figured that a concise and short list of awesome things to buy for other people, and maybe a few for yourself, might be in order. Remember, the true spirit of the holidays isn't all about good will towards mankind, but good gifts and the manual release you might get because of them.

Zelda: The Hero Of Time - The First Full Length Zelda Film

It isn't often that I get to share an entire movie via an embeddable video on my site. In fact, this is the first time I can do that, and it just happens to be with the very first full length Zelda movie ever made. IGN made an expensive fake trailer a little while back, but they didn't make a whole movie out of it. These guys went a step further and devoted oodles of time to making a pretty damn good fan film. Sure, the acting isn't great, the story could use some work, and the effects are a little weak, but when was the last time you tackled movie subject matter that has been this greatly anticipated? Oh, that's right, NEVER!

So, without further delay, click below and enjoy Zelda: The Hero of Time before someone gets sued by Nintendo. Good job, guys!

Win A Free Copy Of Revenge of the Wounded Dragons For PS3

What would you do to someone if they killed your grandfather and kidnapped your sister? That's what I want to know. Sure, plotting a kung-fu laden revenge is nice and all, but not everyone knows how to execute a roundhouse kick with ease. I used to, but I'm too fat for that shit now.

So, to win a free download code for this kung-fu crazy PS3 game, I want you to log-in and comment below with what you would do to someone, in graphic and nasty detail, who would cross you and your family in such a messed up way. My favorite answer will get the tasty download code and will be able to enjoy beating the hell out of nasty Asian guys who do those bad things in the video game world. Be creative, funny, gory, and by all means, entertaining. Get your comment in below before midnight EST on Monday Dec 14th night/Tuesday Dec. 15th morning , and do us a favor and use your Facebook, OpenID, Twitter, or any other log-in that is supported by our comments, just to make communicating with you that much easier.

Check out the launch trailer for the game below, that way you know what you're getting yourself into.

Revenge Of The Wounded Dragons Review - PS3

It has been a long time since I've fired up my TurboGrafx-16 (or PC Engine for those of you outside of North America) and played China Warrior or Ninja Spirit. I pretty much forgot that games of that sort even existed, seeing as the most popular franchise of that ilk, Double Dragon, has been dead since the 90s. Ok, so there was a Gameboy Advance game that came out 6 years ago, but much like a dwarf tax attorney, it was short and boring. Here we are, about to bring in 2010, and I'm here writing about a game that is nothing if not pure nostalgia.

Revenge of the Wounded Dragons is the story of two brothers out to save their kidnapped sister and revenge the death of their grandfather. Yes, this story has been told more times than Jenna Jameson has had to clear her throat, but unlike her, it never gets old. The classic trope is used here as the simple device to get going, but told in some pretty cool motion-comic cut-scenes. Think of a more staccato and less animated version of the Anime in Kill Bill and you get the idea. They also throw in the cheesy 70s music in for the full effect, but thankfully, if you tire of that, this game lets you use your own custom soundtrack. Man, why can't more games do this?

I Think You Need A Handjob. Get Two For Under $5!

I'm almost speechless, shocked, and amazed but my lucid mind won't allow me to be. This is a real product and with the demise of Billy Mays you need a new way to sell things. Thanks to the magic of YouTube, the certified king of viral video, who needs to buy airtime when something that shocks or makes people laugh will gain millions of viewers in a couple of days, sometimes overnight?

Well, I bring you the Handjob. The go-to tool for opening and gripping stuff that you can't do on your own. The commercial delightfully perverse, full of ridiculous imagery and as many vocal ejaculations about getting a Handjob as you would expect. Watch and enjoy. I just might have to order this thing, just to have.

Make Your Own Dark Void Flash Game - This One's Mine!

Dark Void is a new Rocketeer-esque game from Capcom that will be coming out next month. To help promote it they have done something pretty cool and interesting. Jetpack Attack! You can make your own sidescrolling flash game with the elements they provide for you. It is fairly flexible, depending on what you choose, and can get pretty damn hard. I made one of these little games and you can play it right down there. I warn you. Some areas have some Contra-like levels of frustration. Sorry in advance.

The Most Awkward Song Lyrics I Can Remember

There are more songs out there than there are people. More than just simple poetry put to music, a good song can stir up deep feelings, happiness, crying, and the whole gamut of human emotion. Others might make you angry, giving you the cause to stand up and do what is right, or inspire you to change something you don't like. Unfortunately, most of them have terrible lyrics that rhyme "head" with "said" and lots of words that sing about absolutely nothing.

Over the short 30 years I have been on this world, so far, I've heard a ton of lyrics that made me feel weird and uncomfortable. Not because they were saying anything disgusting or offensive, but because something was just awkwardly out of place or strange with them. So today I give you the Most Awkward Song Lyrics I Can Remember ever hearing. Sure, there are songs out there with much worse lyrics, but these are the ones that just... well, just read and you'll see what I mean.

• Madonna - I Love New York:
  "I don't like cities but I like New York. Other places make me feel like a dork."

Well, if there is anyone that can accurately describe what a whale penis feels like, I guess it would be Madonna. There are way too many songs about New York, but Madonna's entry is the only one that rhymes New York with dork. Kudos to her. If only she could have done something with it a little more... I dunno, amazing?

• America - Horse With No Name:
  "There were plants and birds and rocks and things."

I actually love this song, but I kind of want a song about the desert to be just a little less lazy. I can find plants bird and rocks and things at the park, in the forest, in my back yard, at the projects, and in every Grand Theft Auto game released yet.  I bet you that if I were to step outside right now, the first things I would notice are plants, birds, rocks and things.

F*ck Tiger Woods!

You've been hearing about it too much. It is all over the news, and us wee poor non-celebrity folk keep talking about this crap like it is the revelation of the century.

I don't think I have to say anything else beyond what I say in this video:

Red Dead Redemption Trailer - "My Name is John Marston"

If there is one series that Rockstar Games puts out that could be said to have a "cult" following, it is their now-franchise "Red Dead" series. Red Dead Revolver made a splash, as fans of gritty and violent Western action got the game they have been waiting for. With a "snowball-down-a-hill" following, the fan-base has grown large and vocal, and every bit excited with new tidbits of info on the sequel, Red Dead Redemption.

With sick graphics that make even the usually bland browns and grays of the desert pallet look sharp and vibrant, this trailer also boasts some awesome music and bad ass voice acting. I'm not usually one to get all fired up about varmints, saloons, calling people "city slickers" and drinking moonshine, but I'm definitely going to be all over this one. Check out the character trailer for John Marston below.

Jerry Seinfeld Will Ruin Your Marriage On National TV

Browsing through Craigslist, as I was looking for dirty towels, stained sofas, and a possible freelance work as a trans-gender escort, I stumbled upon casting call details for the new Jerry Seinfeld show. For those just hearing about this, no it isn't a sitcom. The rest of you, you knew it wasn't going to be a sitcom because people started talking about this show coming to life back in February of this year. Now, making sure we all know this is actually happening, here is the first "casting" confirmation to hit the net:

JERRY SEINFELD AND NBC ARE LOOKING FOR MARRIED COUPLES THAT NEED TO SOLVE THEIR ARGUMENTS! JERRY ALONG WITH A PANEL OF A LIST CELEBRITIES WOULD LIKE TO DECIDE WHO IS RIGHT AND WHO IS WRONG! IF YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE NEED A REF WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!

PLEASE SEND
A PHOTO
YOUR LOCATION
YOUR CONTACT INFO
HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED
AND WHAT ISSUES YOU NEED SOLVED!

Now, forgive my cynicism but the last thing I need is Kathy Griffin, Andy Dick, and Wayne Knight giving me marriage advice. Seeing that Seinfeld has already stated that this show is out there to serve as a comedy, that means they are going to have a strict process of selecting only couples with the dumbest and most idiotic problems they can find. Expect topics such as unkempt body hair, dirty fingernails, snoring, bitchy sisters, ugly children and bad cooking.

If they REALLY wanted to make some riveting TV they would have the sick and disgusting Josef Fritzl on their first episode. That would really stir shit up. If they could solve that "marriage" problem and somehow make it seem funny, then they deserve every Emmy in the book.